yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Randomize
