My girlfriend figured out who you are.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Randomize
