my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
