We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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