My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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