life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
