turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
