I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
