I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
