i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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