Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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