just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
