I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
