I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
