just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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