My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
