i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize