At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
My bed is full of blood and feathers
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
