Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
