im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
