Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
even my farts smell like vagina
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
