Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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