At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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