I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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