I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
