Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
