By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
