shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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