We won't sleep together?
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize