answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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