Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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