Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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