my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
