the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
