I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
