he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
