I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
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