how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Thank you for not boning my boss.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize