Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
