he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
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