he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
