I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
