I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
