This is not my ceiling
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Randomize
