I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
