Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
