I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
