so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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