tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Randomize
