The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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