god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
