T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
