You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
