If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I think I won the penis lottery.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
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