I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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