The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
