do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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