I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
