i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
