I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
