My sheets look like a crime scene.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
