remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize