Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
