A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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