I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
