My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
