Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
