Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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