I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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